August. It’s always been a month of transition for me, always a feeling of ending one thing and moving on to the next. Maybe that’s because it’s my birthday month, but looking back, there seem to be all sorts of elements of change that occurred in August. Historically speaking, throughout my loooong educational career-to-date, it’s meant the end of summer and the start of the new school year. Annual family camping trips that were anticipated half the summer always ended the first week in August. Like most college kids, I moved away to a dorm and was away from home for the first significantly long time in August (quite a few years ago, now!) That was a big ending, an even bigger beginning. I started my current job in August, three years ago; the same month, I took a teaching job at a nearby university, teaching American History for the first time. Yep, August has historically been a rather sizeable month for me.
This year, August brings the close of our first year of the “official” wait to adopt – it’s the last month of a whole year that we’ve been “in the books” with our agency.
This time last year, we were busily wrapping up our agency’s required Letter to an Expectant Parent, experiencing no small amount of panic over choosing just the right photo for the main photo on the front page. We were adding the finishing touches to our iheartadoption page, looking through hundreds of photos making sure we had the “right” ones (I’m seeing a theme here…). We were also tapping our toes impatiently, waiting for our home study report to be finished. Meanwhile, I was battling the loss of control, and the fear and anxiety that all of it was taking too long.
Now, almost another year older, I feel like I / we should have something to report, some wise thing(s) to say about lessons learned over the past year. I think we have learned things, and I think there are things we might do differently if we had it to do over again, but I can’t say I feel any wiser.
I think, some days, the sadness of not yet being a dad, of *A* not yet being a mom, is more overwhelming than it was a year ago. The passage of time, with this dream as yet unfulfilled, is harder and harder to think about. I actually try very hard not to think about it. I’m still impatient, just like I was a year ago, the impatience has just taken on a new tone, mingled with a deeper feeling of longing.
August, like I said, has been a month of transitions. I hope, with all my heart, that our greatest adventure yet is getting ready to unfold, that we’re simply winding down this chapter, about to turn the page…